


If It Ever Comes

by SlySkySeamen



Series: If It Ever Comes [1]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Canon Universe, Denial, Enemies to Lovers, Love/Hate, M/M, Oral Sex, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Violence, a bit of verbal abuse, rough-ish sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-23
Packaged: 2019-04-18 22:59:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14223663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlySkySeamen/pseuds/SlySkySeamen
Summary: Today was out of ordinary. Today was an error. Why did he do that? He knew why. Orihara Izaya was by no means stupid but he was stubborn.-Songfic





	1. A Sin Worth Believing

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I'm back! With another fandom! 'Cause apparently I can't be in the same fandom for too long. xD Good thing is, I always go back and forth so if you know me from my SaruMi or GrimmIchi works then you can rest assured that some more of them is gonna be posted eventually. Can't say a lot about Riren though...oh well. This is pretty much another excuse to write even more sex. ...I'm a huge pervert, I know. 
> 
> The song I used for this one is "I Hate You" by Sick Puppies. I was listening to it and I thought "Shizuo and Izaya would totally fuck to this." and this fic was born. xD This will have no more than 3 chapter if it doesn't start writing itself like S+W did. Can't promise how often I will update 'cause I finally found a job so I'll be kinda busy. Feel free to subscribe and wait til it's completed to read it, I do that a lot. ^^;
> 
> Anyways! No more rambling! Hope you enjoy~

_Every time I end up breaking you_

_You change into_

_Something worth keeping_

__

_‘Ah. I did it again.’_ The brunet smirked, crooked and mischievous. The smallest of giggles escaped him, betraying how much fun he was having. He was currently doing his favourite thing in the world. Escaping from a furious Shizuo. This time went like any other; Izaya purposely walked around Ikebukuro at a time he knew Shizuo would be roaming around as well, Shizuo spotted him, he taunted the blond and the chase began. Nothing out of the ordinary, a routine they were both used to by now.

 

Izaya was determined to keep this going, including a repeat of the latest development. He turned left, entering an alley he had chosen a few days ago. It was long, dark, deserted and had no exit; as convenient as it could get. He reached the end and turned, pressing his back against the cold surface. He tilted his head up, lowered his eyelids and his smirk lessened, no longer crooked and dangerously close to seductive. He spread his arms, waiting for the predator to be fooled by his submissive act.

 

Shizuo had already entered the alley and slowed his pace when he noticed the change in Izaya. He knew what this meant, knew what Izaya wanted. Something deep inside him wanted to go against the brunet, out of spite and maybe to see if he could get Izaya to drop the cocky act for once. But the rest of him wanted the same thing as Izaya so he gave in, making his way towards him growling lowly, like an animal.

 

Shizuo lived up to Izaya’s words and Izaya loved it. His monster had yet to disappoint. He licked his lips eagerly, two more steps and he would be ravaged. His body still had adrenaline pumping through it, his chest heaving with the exertion from their chase, his fingers twitched and he purred when his predator grabbed both of his wrists painfully.

 

Shizuo wasted no time and indulged; his mouth went straight for Izaya’s neck, biting to the point of almost drawing blood and then licking harshly, making it raw instead of soothing it. He didn’t stop with only one, he kept biting all over; sucking on some of them and sometimes stopping to inhale deeply, filling his lungs with the scent he refused to admit was actually arousing him.

 

Izaya purred with the abuse, a few gasps here and there and a hiss when Shizuo sucked near his ear. It was like an animal marking his territory and Izaya couldn’t help but laugh, a bit of mania laced into the sound. It was cut short when a large hand covered his mouth, the action rough enough to make him hit his head on the wall behind him. He winced and glared; that was new.

 

“I don’t want to hear that disgusting sound.” Shizuo growled, close enough that Izaya could feel his breath.

 

They locked eyes, they could see what they felt reflected on the other and both of their hearts skipped a beat. They looked away at the same time. Izaya shuddered at the want he had seen in his monster’s eyes. It was raw and intense, it shouldn’t make Izaya uncomfortable but it did. Hidden with that want was a need that shouldn’t have been there. A need that he hoped he had imagined.

 

Shizuo swallowed, his anger deflated and he could feel himself getting nervous. That thought shouldn’t have been there. He must have been alone for way too long for his mind to betray him like that. But he couldn’t entirely believe that excuse; he had seen that same need reflected on Izaya’s eyes. He hoped it was just his mind playing tricks on him and got back to the task at hand.

 

He let go of Izaya’s wrist, keeping him in place with the hand on his mouth, and pulled the brunet’s shirt up. He wasted no time in going back to biting and tried to ignore how Izaya was unresponsive at first. He flattened his tongue and licked a nipple, he felt Izaya’s moan against his hand and hummed when he felt the other’s arousal against his thigh. They both slowly eased back into it, forgetting about the feeling they both denied.

 

Izaya closed his eyes, fully enjoying the pain and pleasure Shizuo was giving him. He licked the hand covering his mouth, silently urging the blond to move on to the main course. Just thinking about what’s next made Izaya’s mouth water and his dick twitch.

 

Shizuo stopped and pulled back enough to look at his masterpiece. Izaya’s neck and torso were covered in nasty bites and bruises, all of them bad enough to require some patching up and several days to heal. His heart clenched a little but he ignored it, taking his hand away from Izaya’s mouth. He growled, forcing his anger to come back to ignore his own thoughts. He grabbed Izaya’s hair hard enough that he felt some strands snap and forced him to kneel, his other hand already working his pants to free his cock.

 

Izaya gasped but his smirk was still intact, he looked up at Shizuo and licked his lips in anticipation. This is what he wanted, to break his monster. To break his control and have Shizuo abuse him, give in to his monster nature.

 

Shizuo freed his cock and yanked at Izaya’s hair, urging him to open his mouth. Izaya obliged, first licking the head thoroughly and then sucking while teasing the slit with his tongue. He hummed when his monster groaned and Shizuo snapped.

 

Shizuo adjusted his grip, grabbing both sides of Izaya’s head by his hair and kept his head still. With that grip as his only warning, Izaya barely had enough time to relax his throat when Shizuo thrusted. He clenched his eyes, a bit of moisture escaping because of the abuse and he had to force his shaking hands to stay by his sides instead of pushing at the blond’s hips. Shizuo closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath before thrusting again, setting a slow pace that was still painful for the brunet.

 

Izaya could feel panic creeping in the more Shizuo moved; he could barely breathe, his jaw was already aching and his throat was on fire. But he loved it. The panic quickly became adrenaline and he relaxed his throat through the pain. He was getting light headed with the lack of oxygen and he welcomed the haze.

 

Shizuo’s breathing was heavy, a groan escaping him whenever Izaya swallowed or hummed. He felt the other finally relaxing and thrusted deeper, letting out a low moan while holding Izaya in place. Izaya felt Shizuo’s pubes on his nose and swallowed, his hazy mind working enough to let him know he had Shizuo’s full length in his mouth. The thought made him shudder and he unconsciously palmed himself through his clothes. His erection was painful but he couldn’t focus on that, the only thing in his mind was Shizuo.

 

After seconds that felt way too short for Shizuo, he pulled away completely and drank in the sight of the mess he was making. In his haze, Izaya was too slow to process the emptiness in his mouth so he kept his jaw slack, drool dripping down is chin with a thin strand still connecting his bottom lip to the cock in front of him. His face was flushed, his eyes half open, glassy and unfocused while some stray tears flowed down.

 

Shizuo felt he could come just from the sight. The need came back and his heart clenched again, this time stronger.

 

“Fuck.” the slow growl snapped Izaya back to reality. He blinked and looked up. The sight made whatever breath he had recovered escape right away. The raw want on Shizuo’s face was new to him, the anger that normally dominated that face was nowhere to be seen. He couldn’t help but think that look fit the blond. _‘It’s kinda hot.’_ Izaya was suddenly very thankful that his face was already flushed from the face fucking he was receiving.

 

Shizuo snapped his hips forward once again, the tightness and warmth around him making it easier to get rid of the thought of that need. He kept the pace deep and fast, done with playing around and just aiming for his completion.

 

Izaya closed his eyes and just focused on pleasing the blond without passing out. He kept rubbing himself and almost pulled his erection out but thought better of it. The monster didn’t deserve to see how much this affected him. At least that’s what he told himself, it’s not like he was ashamed of himself for being aroused from the abuse. It’s not like he loved the feeling of being at the complete mercy of someone that could crush his skull with one hand.

 

He would have laughed if he wasn’t being chocked on a cock.

 

He felt Shizuo tense and the cock in his mouth started twitching. Without being exactly aware of what he was doing, he brought his hands up and pulled Shizuo as close as he could. He kept the blond in place, surprised that the other’s strength was apparently failing him, and swallowed repeatedly. He felt the hands in his hair relax and tremble and then Shizuo gasped loudly, a strangled noise not quite leaving his mouth. Izaya kept swallowing through the blond’s orgasm, cum shooting straight down his throat. When he heard Shizuo hiss from overstimulation he loosened his grip and pulled away.

 

He realized what he had done when Shizuo’s hands left his hair. He tilted his head down, refusing to look up. He cleaned the drool on his face with his sleeve, using more force than necessary. This was supposed to be the monster using Izaya for his own pleasure not Izaya pleasing the monster. He felt anger brewing inside him and was genuinely surprised when a hand pulled him up by the arm with barely enough force. His eyes widened when he saw a hesitant hand reach for this belt.

 

“What are doing?” his voice was rough, evidence of what just happened. The coldness in his tone made Shizuo still his hand.

 

“You’re hard.” Izaya would have laughed at the quiet tone had he not been so angry with himself.

 

“So?”

 

Shizuo didn’t reply, instead he moved his hand once again. He heard more than felt when Izaya slapped his hand away.

 

“Don’t touch me, you monster.” Izaya looked up and regretted it instantly.

 

Shizuo looked neutral to the untrained eye but Izaya could see it. There was hurt in those eyes. Monsters shouldn’t be able to feel, shouldn’t have the capacity of being hurt.

 

Izaya pushed Shizuo away from him, trying his hardest to ignore the lack of resistance, and walked away. He didn’t look back even though a corner of his mind wanted to, wanted to go back and replace that hurt with the fury the monster should feel. He refused to acknowledge the corner that wanted to go back and apologize. Once out of the alley, far enough that Shizuo wouldn’t see him, he ran. He ran as fast as he could.

 

Today was out of ordinary. Today was an error. Why did he do that? He knew why. Orihara Izaya was by no means stupid but he was stubborn. _‘I hate him. I hate what he does to me.’_ He shook his head, willing his mind to think of something else. And it worked, but not how he wanted. He thought of Shizuo’s face. The look of raw want. The hurt in those eyes. Both so human. Both so vulnerable.

 

Izaya slowed down; he looked up at the sky, the warm colors left by the setting sun were too nice for him. _‘I refuse to call him a human.’_

__

He looked at the floor and a manic grin split his face. _‘I’ll just have to break him even more.’_

__

Behind that facade his chest was uncomfortably tight. He would never acknowledge the hope that had bubbled inside of him that maybe Shizuo would be capable of caring about him.

 

-

 

It hurt. He wasn’t sure why, but it hurt. Way more than all of those broken bones. Way more than the cuts from those switchblades.

 

Was it because Izaya called him a monster? Was it because Izaya rejected him? Was it because of the cold tone Izaya used? The disgust hidden behind those words?

 

He must have imagined that need in Izaya’s eyes. He was mistaken if he thought Izaya would want to be pleased by a monster like him. Why did he even want to please the brunet? It made no sense for him to feel like that for a man that ruined his life, called him a monster. What did he feel anyways? It was weird and he didn’t want to find out. Denial was already strong. At that moment he wished he was the monster Izaya called him.

 

He finally moved after standing still for several long minutes. He walked towards the entrance of the alley, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. The nicotine helped with slowing down his self deprecating thoughts. With his head a bit clearer he realized something. When Izaya looked at him before walking away, his mask had cracked. He was almost certain what he saw in that crack was worry.

 

-

 

Almost two weeks had gone by and Izaya had been avoiding Shizuo. Whenever he had business in Ikebukuro he would make sure Shizuo had work or he would create some kind of disturbance that would keep the blond away from wherever he had to be. It was tiring, more so than normal, but he believed it was worth it.

 

The events from their last encounter were still fresh on his mind. Of course he still wanted to break Shizuo but he couldn’t think of a way to break him without being involved. He wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he had come to terms with the fact that if he kept playing that close to Shizuo he could end up getting attached. He still wouldn’t acknowledge any kind of feelings but he couldn’t deny the fun he had when playing with his monster.

 

He was currently walking around Shinjuku doing some casual people watching. For some reason today all of his humans seemed dull and boring and he seriously considered either spreading some more juicy rumors or risk a stroll through Ikebukuro. His main phone vibrated in his pocket and he smirked. Maybe that call would be the end of his boredom. He pulled out his phone and frowned at the name on the screen. With a slightly irritated huff he answered the call.

 

“To what do I owe this rare call?” Izaya tried to make his voice chirpy but he felt like maybe he didn’t try hard enough. And if the other noticed then they definitely ignored it.

 

“Celty has been worried and fretting about and although it is adorable how she lets me comfort her, I still get jealous because I’m not the one causing her behav-”

 

“Can you get to the point?” he no longer bothered controlling his tone, not like Shinra cared anyways.

 

“Ah, yes, my bad. Celty noticed Shizuo acting odd maybe a week ago or so and now she’s worried ‘cause he’s disappeared. I did call him and he told me he was in his apartment before hanging up on me but when Celty went to his place, he refused to reply and she wasn’t sure if he was hiding in there or if he wasn’t there at all. I sti-”

 

“Do you not know how to make things brief?” Izaya interrupted once again. He hoped he had kept his tone neutral but apparently he hadn’t, a bit of desperation and curiosity slipping in.

 

“I do but I don’t care enough to. Anyways, since you know everything, I wanted to ask if you knew anything about what happened to Shizuo but I guess you’re probably the cause.” and just like that, with a single slip up, Shinra knew he was involved. Well, he could blame it on being too tired to keep up his masks.

 

“I have no clue what you’re talking about.” he drawled with forced mischief in his voice. “But I can do a bit of a search and let you know.”

 

“Nah, just text whatever you did to Celty so that she can calm down. I know you won’t do it but I’ll ask anything for Celty.” he spoke like the cliche prince of a kids show and Izaya cringed.

 

“I’ll text her something.” and with that he hung up on the love sick doctor.

 

So his monster has been down. What a pleasant surprise. A plan quickly formed in his head and, although risky, he was sure it would be effective. What better way to break a monster than to kick it when it is at its lowest?

 

He sent a quick text to Celty. _[Don’t worry, Shizu-chan is just sulking.]_

__

With that he started making his way to the station with a skip on his step. He was gonna have a blast.

 

-

 

Shizuo was leaning on the windowsill in his room, having a smoke. These days it felt like he was always smoking, and he was. At first, he was able to ignore the whole thing and he even thought about acting as if nothing had happened the next time he saw Izaya. But he didn’t see him. The brunet just vanished and not just to him, everyone was talking about how Izaya had apparently gotten bored of Ikebukuro and some even said that the informant was taking on jobs outside of Tokyo.

 

Those rumors got to him. It made him feel like it was his fault. It made him regret all of those abusive acts he did on Izaya. Maybe Izaya had enjoyed none of it after all. Maybe the game went too far last time.

 

After a week of discreetly looking for Izaya in Ikebukuro to no avail, he gave up. And with that defeat he decided that he needed a break from life. He had asked his boss about taking some days off and decided to spend that free time alone to give himself time to think.

 

The solitude actually helped him notice a lot of things, like how often his mind would drift towards the brunet. If there was nothing to catch his attention, his mind would drift towards Izaya as if that was the default. With his mind constantly being plagued by Izaya, he also noticed some details about the brunet that he hadn’t bothered to notice before. Like how he was most likely left-handed, the adorable way his cheeks flushed when their chases had lasted a bit too long, the softness of his hair, how his smile was naturally crooked and he thought it was cute, how tight Izaya’s clothing actually were, the fluidity and grace of his movements, how unfairly skilled he was with his mouth…his mind wandered into dangerous territory way too often.

 

He crushed the cigarette filter in the ashtray and laid down on his futon, closing his eyes and trying to think about anything but the need he is now almost completely sure he saw in the eyes of the brunet. Minutes passed and he was about to doze off when someone started knocking on his door with a rhythm. His blood ran cold and his heart seemed to stop. His gut told him who that was.

 

He sat up and took a steadying breath, the nicotine in his system had suddenly just vanished. Why would the informant casually visit after avoiding him? He took his time standing up and making his way to the door, the size of his apartment making it seem like he wasn’t going slow at all. He was almost at the door when it swung open on its own.

 

“Why did you take so long, Shizu-chan? Had to make yourself decent?” the lilt in his voice was taunting and mischievous, his crooked smirk in place. Shizuo couldn’t help the way his eyes softened at seeing the face that had been stealing his sleep but he did keep his face otherwise neutral.

 

“Why are you here?” at the lack of anger in his voice Izaya faltered.

 

“Oh? What’s this? Are you reading the guide on how to be human?” he stepped inside and closed the door, Shizuo could tell the brunet had some scheme planned out.

 

“Piss off. You’re here for something so get to it.” he sighed and closed his eyes, running a hand through his hair. After having all that time to think, being in front of his supposed enemy was making him feel weak.

 

“What a wet blanket. I guess I’ll have to do this my way.”

 

Shizuo was about to ask what he was talking about when the brunet tackled him to the floor. The world blurred for a second and he barely had enough time to blink back into clarity when his shirt being shredded by Izaya caught his attention. The sight managed to stun him and his breath hitched when the brunet licked a line from his collarbone to his jaw, hands roaming the expanse of his torso firmly.

 

This was the last thing he expected after what happened last time. Izaya licked, nipped and sucked along the blond’s neck and shoulders, thumbs rubbing at his nipples in a teasing manner. None of the treatment was rough and that confused Shizuo, he couldn’t remember the last time someone touched him with care and he had never expected Izaya to be the one treating him like that at any point in his life. He squirmed a bit and tried to grab the brunet’s shoulder but Izaya pulled back.

 

“Let me and I won’t disappoint.” his voice was low and breathy, his eyes darkened with lust. Shizuo followed the tongue that poked out to wet those lips he had been thinking about for way too long and swallowed. He knew this was just gonna harm him in the end but he couldn’t will himself to say no to the brunet. So he nodded, not trusting his voice.

 

Izaya chuckled and leaned down again. The brunet couldn’t believe his monster was being so pliant. He had expected at least a bit of wrestling but it seemed like the fight had been taken out of the blond. He was straddling Shizuo’s hips, feeling how hard he was getting right against his ass. After being satisfied with the bruises he left on the blond’s neck, he trailed lower to lick a nipple. He couldn’t help but smirk when Shizuo shuddered, his hands twitching at his sides. Izaya sucked the sensitive nub while pinching the other one with his fingers and grinding his ass down against Shizuo’s half hard cock.

 

Shizuo groaned, the ministrations were torturously good but he wanted to touch as well. Izaya’s scent was driving him insane and all he wanted was to bury his face in the brunet’s neck and make him writhe with pleasure. The memory of what happened last time stopped him, he didn’t want to feel that pain again. If this is was all he could get then he would gladly settle for it.

 

Izaya ground his hips down harder, almost whimpering with how good that hardness felt against him even through their clothes. He was incredibly aroused already, his mind momentarily straying away from the plan. He sat up, putting all of his weight on the blond’s groin and biting his lip at the sight beneath him. The pleading look on Shizuo’s eyes made something in his chest twist and he ground his hips again to hopefully get a better distraction.

 

Shizuo’s control slipped up and he brought his hands up to grab Izaya’s hips, keeping him in place while sitting up, their faces dangerously close. Izaya’s momentary surprise brought him back to reality but the brunet’s hands on his wrists kept him from pulling away.

 

 _‘Stick to the plan.’_ “I guess I shouldn’t have expected a monster to understand what I say.” Izaya almost winced, his mind was too muddled for him to deliver his usual sharp insults.

 

The growl he got in response let him know the blond fell for it anyways. He was gonna add some more when the look on Shizuo’s face made him stop. The same hurt he had seen before was present again but this time it was accompanied by an equal amount of determination.

 

“You keep calling me a monster whenever you please.” the growl was low and dangerous but Izaya wasn’t scared. “I’m not a monster.” Shizuo leaned in a bit and Izaya reacted out of reflex, a hand coming up against Shizuo’s mouth to stop him.

 

“Show me then.” the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He saw the slight surprise on the blond’s expression and almost slapped himself. He had to think of a way to turn this around, maybe his plan could still be salvaged.

 

His train of though came to a screeching halt when Shizuo grabbed his wrist and kissed the palm of the hand that had covered his mouth before. He felt his mind shut down, unable to command his body to do anything. The simple act was so gentle. He knew what Shizuo was going to do but couldn’t stop it. He wanted this after all, it was his secret. The desire he always denied.

 

_Every time I'm close to saving you_

_You grow into_

_A sin worth believing_

 

Shizuo closed his eyes and placed another soft kiss on Izaya’s wrist. He took a deep breath and opened them again looking at the brunet’s slightly parted lips. If he wanted to do this without revealing the full extent of his feelings, some limits would have to be established. He went for his jaw instead, making a trail of soft kisses down the informant’s neck. He slowly snaked his hands under Izaya’s shirt, mapping out his torso slowly, gently, the corners of his mouth lifting at the little shudders he could feel coming from the brunet.

 

Izaya was oddly quiet, only gasps and heavy breaths making it past his lips and Shizuo made it a goal of his to make Izaya let his voice out. He pulled the brunet’s shirt as high as it could go and licked at his chest, making his was slowly to a nipple in a mimic of what Izaya had done to him.

 

Izaya’s breath hitched, every touch was so gentle, the pace was slow, he was being treated with such overwhelming care. For the first time in his life he was at a loss for what to do. He bit his lip when a hand softly squeezed his inner thigh. He couldn’t deny how good it felt but he also couldn’t admit it, his twisted self aching with the instinct to make fun of Shizuo. Make fun of him for treating such a detestable creature like him with such tenderness.

 

Shizuo wrapped his arms around the brunet’s waist and stood up, the informant’s arms instantly going around his neck and his legs wrapping around the blond’s hips.

 

“Against the wall.” it was a breathy whisper against his neck and he had to stop, unsure if he had imagined it or not. “We can do the rest your way just do it against the wall.”

 

Shizuo frowned at the request. They had a futon, a couch and even the kitchen table could have been used but Izaya wanted to go against the wall? With a sigh, he nodded and pressed Izaya against the wall. Once his feet were on the floor, Izaya turned around and pressed his ass against Shizuo’s groin, trying to get at least a little bit of control back.

 

 _‘Oh.’_ realization struck Shizuo _‘I guess even he can get embarrassed.’_ With a small smile he grabbed onto the other’s hips and ground back, humming at the gasp he got back. He busied his mouth with the back of Izaya’s neck while taking off the informant’s coat. He was almost done when the brunet held on to it.

 

“Hold on.” the brunet searched the inner pockets and once he found what he had been looking for he let coat fall to the floor.

 

“So this was part of your plan after all.” Shizuo couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his voice.

 

“Is that going to stop you?” the tone was supposed to be taunting but it came out as slightly resigned.

 

They could stop, they were not at the point of no return yet. But he didn’t want to stop, he had been challenged and he wanted to show Izaya that he wasn’t a monster. He let out a breathy chuckle, knowing he had fallen for Izaya’s trap all along. He grabbed the bottle of lube and condoms out Izaya’s hands and placed them on the kitchen table that just so happened to be near them. For a moment he considered bending the brunet over it but turned down the idea quickly. He wasn’t going to risk scaring the other away.  

 

He buried his nose in silky black hair and took a deep breath, the scent soothing whatever bitterness he felt. He would take what he could get.

 

He placed his hands on Izaya’s belt, fully expecting to get them slapped away. But the slap never came, the brunet just stayed put, panting and shaking a little. He quickly undid the belt and pants and pulled the brunet’s erection out. The feel of Izaya’s arousal was better than he thought, the little hiss he got when he stroked him experimentally was more rewarding than anything had ever been in his life. He jerked the brunet at a slow, gentle pace, teasing the head with his thumb; relishing on the gasps and whimpers he could hear from the other.

 

Izaya had his forehead against the wall, his hands in white-knuckled fists on either side of his face. This was torture, sweet torture. His monster was being sickeningly sweet and he couldn’t think of a way to turn this around. And the longer this went on, the less he could think of even wanting to turn this around. It was good, so good his chest felt warm and his body relaxed against his will. He felt Shizuo’s free hand tugging his pants lower along with his underwear and blushed. There was no way Shizuo was gonna miss the wetness in his ass. He felt a bit of humiliation creeping in and almost whimpered in shame. He felt a finger slip in his crease and tease at his entrance and couldn’t stop his hips from pressing back.

 

“You even stretched yourself.” there was a bit of disappointment in the blond’s voice but the bitterness was gone and Izaya was confused at how relieved he was at that. “I’m guessing your plan failed to a certain extent.”

 

Curse when his monster was smart when he shouldn’t be. A finger entered him with ease and he had to cover his mouth to stop a moan. The finger retracted just as fast and he heard Shizuo opening the bottle of lube, his dick twitched in anticipation. He felt two fingers at his entrance now and whimpered when those entered with ease as well. Shizuo’s fingers were definitely bigger than his own, spreading him wider and reaching deeper than his own fingers had.

 

He had thoroughly stretched himself beforehand; according to his plan Shizuo was supposed to just ram it in without a warning and he had taken the necessary precautions to avoid being torn apart. Shizuo still fingered him though, and he wasn’t sure if the blond was doing it to be extra careful or if he was just having fun with his hole.

 

Another finger entered him and he hissed, feeling fuller than he did with his own three fingers. Shizuo was slow and thorough and Izaya wondered where all of that patience was coming from. He felt the fingers inside of him reach towards his front and his body tensed, his vision was momentarily clouded and a loud moan made it past his throat. He bit his lip when those fingers kept teasing his prostate, not only did Shizuo have more experience than he thought but he was also trying to get another reaction like that from Izaya and the brunet wasn’t having it. He reached back and grabbed Shizuo’s arm, the action distracted him enough for his fingers to still.

 

“Just fuck me already.” those were not the words he had wanted to say. He was thankful he had kept his face against the wall because he could feel blood rushing to his face at how shamefully desperate his voice sounded.

 

Shizuo groaned and took his fingers out a little bit too fast, making Izaya whimper against his will. He heard the condom packet being ripped and the lube bottle being opened again. Izaya grabbed his shirt and bit into it in a weak attempt at muffling whatever noises Shizuo would try to get out of him.

 

A hand firmly grabbed his hip and he felt the tip of the blond’s cock teasing at his entrance, barely pushing. He felt Shizuo nuzzle his neck and slowly thrust inside, going slow but steady. He couldn’t breathe, the stretch was bearable but he was being filled to the brim. Filled to the brim with tenderness and care. Filled to the brim with Shizuo in every way.

 

His lungs worked again when Shizuo stopped, his whole length inside the brunet. Shizuo’s breathing was heavy, Izaya could feel it right against his neck and ear. He felt like he was being consumed by Shizuo and all of a sudden he wanted more, he needed more. He ground his hips against Shizuo and almost lost it when the blond moaned right in his ear. Shizuo obliged and started a slow pace, busying his mouth once again with Izaya’s neck.

 

The brunet slowly lost what little control he had left. At some point he let go of his shirt, the building pace eventually forcing little moans out of him. Shizuo’s groans and moans went straight to his dick and he almost screamed when Shizuo grabbed it and started jerking him in sync with his thrusts. Shizuo’s other hand was busy playing with his nipples and his mouth was still busy with his neck. Shizuo’s sole focus was pleasing Izaya and the brunet was not oblivious to that. He turned to mush when the blond changed the angle to thrust right against his prostate, curses and moans freely flowing from the brunet’s mouth. If it wasn’t for Shizuo’s hand across his chest, Izaya would have fallen to the floor; his legs useless with the amount of pleasure coursing through him.

 

Izaya was a mess, he couldn’t think, he could barely process. Any kind of filter he had was gone and all of his defenses were down. Everything was too much but at the same time it wasn’t enough. He needed more.

 

_You're everything I ever wanted but_

_It's never enough_

_You're never enough_

 

Shizuo’s pace turned frantic and he could feel his own body spasming. He placed his hand on top of the one Shizuo had against his chest and he held on as he felt his orgasm nearing. The blond had stopped bothering his neck, he now nuzzled his hair in a way that felt way too affectionate for Izaya but he couldn’t focus on it long enough. A low growl of his name made it past Shizuo’s lips and Izaya’s whole body tensed, his cum landing on the wall while he tightened around Shizuo and pushed him over the edge as well. A few more shuddering thrusts and they both slumped against the wall, trying to even out their breathing.

 

Shizuo was the first to move, slowing taking his arm away from Izaya’s chest, making sure the brunet wouldn’t fall without his support. Izaya gasped when the blond pulled out, the emptiness almost painful. He heard Shizuo shuffle away and his mind slowly cleared. By the time Shizuo was back he was so angry with himself he could cry. He couldn’t deny anything now. The need was too strong, too present. How much he wanted more, how this wasn’t enough was too real, painfully real. He couldn’t deny his desires any longer. But he could still choose not to act upon them.

 

Izaya fixed his clothing, and picked up his coat. He tried to walk straight for the door but he was stopped by a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Are you okay?” the concern was genuine and Izaya felt his heart clench. When he gave no response, the blond spoke again. “Will you at least stop calling me a monster?” the resignation tugged at something inside the brunet and he decided to be honest for once.

 

“Yes.” he turned around with a smirk that he hoped was mischievous enough to hide the confusing emotions currently bothering him. “In the end you are definitely more of a human than I’ll ever be.”

 

That seemed to shock Shizuo enough that Izaya easily slipped out of his grip and walked out of his apartment without the blond doing anything to stop him. Once outside of the building, he ran. That’s all he did around Shizuo, now for even more pathetic reasons. The way he could run without any aches was a constant reminder that not only was Shizuo capable of being gentle and caring, but he was gentle and caring to him, the real monster.

 

_I'll take whatever I can take_

_Whenever I can take it_

_If it ever comes_


	2. The Way I Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah...this got out of control ^^; It took a turn so I apologize in advance xD 
> 
> Quick question: Is it still a songfic if it has several chapters? Cuz it'll be longer than I originally planned but its still based on a song and it still includes the lyrics...should i keep the tag or should I delete it?
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy!

Izaya was a coward. Normally he could face things headfirst, without a care in the word. But right now he couldn’t, he freaked out just thinking about facing his feelings. After having sex with Shizuo he just couldn’t keep lying to himself. Now that he knew this side of Shizuo his feeling were stronger, more than he thought possible.

 

He couldn’t believe this all started with a crush back in high school. His crush attacked him and he liked him even more because of his masochistic tendencies. With time his feelings became a constant and he referred to them as hate as an act of stubbornness and denial. Now he was being overwhelmed by the intensity of it all, unable to keep lying to himself and still say he hated the blond.

 

Whenever he saw anyone that was tall and blond, he thought of Shizuo. Whenever he saw a bar, he thought of Shizuo. Whenever he smelled cigarettes, he thought of Shizuo. Even putting his hand in his pockets and feeling his knives in them reminded him of Shizuo. And every time he thought of Shizuo his heart would speed up and his mind would refuse to concentrate on anything other than Shizuo.

 

He hated it. He hated how he could barely control his own thoughts anymore. How his body would sometimes react against his will. How someone that was his supposed arch nemesis could affect him so much. He felt like he was cursed.

 

He sat at his desk, his elbows on the surface and his head in his hands when a knock on his door startled him enough to jump. He got up and silently made his way to the door, his left hand holding a knife at the ready behind his back. He looked through the peephole and frowned. He pocketed his knife and sighed. Whatever made Celty visit him without notice would probably not be good. He put on his usual mask of chirpiness and opened the door.

 

“Oh? A visit from the Courier? Is there anything I can help you with?” he kept his tone chirpy and polite while Celty typed on her PDA.

 

_[What did you do to Shizuo?]_

__

“Ah? I remember being asked something similar by Shinra a month or so ago. Why would you think I’m at fault again?” he feigned being hurt and hoped his concern wouldn’t show.

 

_[I know it is your fault.]_  he could feel hostility rolling off of her so he dropped the act, keeping his face neutral.

 

“How so?” at that she seemed to hesitate but typed something out nonetheless.

 

_[He told me so.]_

__

Izaya couldn’t help tensing, keeping calm was suddenly suffocating. “How much do you know?” he’d rather not beat around the bush if the blond had already mentioned him.

 

_[I finally got him to tell me what was wrong with him and he slipped up and mentioned you.]_ she pondered for a bit before typing again. _[He asked me to not come bother you but I can’t just stand doing nothing when he’s like that.]_

_‘Like what?’_  was the first thing that crossed Izaya’s mind but he ignored it. “That doesn’t quite answer my question, Courier.” the chirpiness in his tone felt forced.

 

Celty hesitated once more. She typed, erased and retyped a few times before she finally showed her PDA to Izaya. _[He told me he had a weird relationship with someone.]_ she typed more as an afterthought. _[He didn’t give me many details but I kind of connected the dots.]_

__

Her vague replies were irritating Izaya. How hard was it for her to tell him if she knew that they fucked? He crossed his arms and sighed. “I appreciate your loyalty to Shizu-chan but I think I have the right to know how much he told you since I am involved after all.”

 

She tensed and her helmet tipped down. She knew he was right to a certain extent but she didn’t want to tell him how the whole thing made Shizuo feel. That felt like she was betraying the blond and she just couldn’t bring herself to do that. Still very reluctant, she typed in what she felt was most likely the answer Izaya was waiting for. _[I know you guys had sex.]_ and then she added quickly. _[Shizuo didn’t mean to let me know it was with you.]_

__

Izaya tipped his head back and ran a hand through his face. It wasn’t too bad that the Dullahan knew but he would have preferred to keep that solely between him and Shizuo. “Well, if you know that much then why did you come here? That’s all I did to him.” she didn’t need to know about what he told Shizuo before running away.

 

_[What are you playing at?]_ her posture was stiff and Izaya could feel himself getting irritated.

 

“Would you believe me if I said ‘nothing’?”

__

_[No. You’re never just doing ‘nothing’.]_ for some reason her insistence was really rubbing him the wrong way. Izaya scoffed and tilted his head down in hopes of covering up his slipping mask.

 

“What are you now? Shizuo’s guardian?” he knew he was going out of character, his control hanging by a thread for reasons beyond him.

 

_[I’m worried for my friend.]_ Izaya quietly sucked in a breath. _[Just stop whatever it is you’re doing to Shizuo.]_ he heard his control snap.

 

“I’m not doing anything! Why am I always the one to blame? Sure, I may have had a plan at some point but Shizuo ruined it. This outcome is his fault. I won’t have you blaming me when, for once, this isn’t entirely my fault.” he was almost screaming, anger could be seen in his face while his eyes showed the confusing range of emotions going through him.

 

Sleepless night had caught up with him, his constant stressing wore him thin, his frustration had built up dangerously but Celty’s worrying over Shizuo and calling him her friend had been the tipping point.

 

Why was he jealous? He didn’t need any friends. Why was he hurt? He should have been above that kind of feeling. Why was he angry? None of this should have been enough to irritate him this much. Why did he feel guilty? He never meant for things to go this way. He was tired of feeling. Feeling so many things at the same time for so many days. He wasn’t used to it and because of that, he had now shown a side of himself that he had hoped would have been a secret he took to his grave.

 

Celty was pretty much frozen in place. He could imagine her face with a stunned expression and he would have laughed if he didn’t feel so mortified after his outburst. He brought both hands to his face and rubbed a bit harshly but kept them in place, an annoyed groan leaving him.

 

“If you have nothing more to say, please leave. I’d like to get back to work.” his voice was slightly muffled but at least he had control over his voice once again. “And can you please forget this ever happened? I kind of a have a reputation to keep up.” he winced at the pleading that slipped into his tone.

 

Celty looked away in manner that made it seem like she may be feeling guilty. _[I shouldn’t have come to bother you. I’m sorry.]_ she took away her PDA and and seemed to sigh while she typed. _[I will keep quiet about what happened today but can you please at least talk to Shizuo?]_

__

Izaya laughed, short and bitter. “I don’t think words will ever get through with Shizu-chan.” he wouldn’t tell her that he was actually afraid of what would happen if they had an actual conversation for once.

 

_[You’d be surprised.]_ her PDA beeped, she quickly read the text and then typed something. _[There’s more to Shizuo than you think. I have to go now. Once again, I apologize for bothering you.]_ with that she bowed and walked away.

 

_‘I know there’s more to Shizu-chan. That’s what scares me.'_ He closed the door and leaned heavily against it, he felt drained after losing his composure in front of the Dullahan.

 

Izaya knew this was getting out of control. The more he waited, the more he was affected. The guilt grew, his loneliness became painful, his feelings now strong enough that trying to deny them was painful as well. He got a taste of what Shizuo really was and now his whole being just craved more. The more time passed, the more he craved.

 

What truly terrified him was that he didn’t really crave sex with the blond. What he craved was his company, getting to know more about him, affecting Shizuo at least half as much as the blond affected him. A breath that was suspiciously close to a sob escaped him.

 

-

 

_I hate you when you're gone_

_I hate you turn me on_

_I hate the way I need you when_

_I don't know where you are_

__

Shizuo knew Izaya had been avoiding him. He was sure he was right because he had been doing the same. He didn’t know what to do if he saw the brunet so he avoided him as best as he could. It worked flawlessly but the results were not positive. He felt like a husk. Like what made him Shizuo was missing. And in a sense it was.

 

Many would say that what made him Shizuo was his temper, his strength, his constant fighting with Izaya, being constantly sucked into situations created by Izaya. But currently most of that was missing. He had been oddly calm. With his temper gone the proof of his strength was nowhere to be seen. No sounds of objects being picked from the ground, thrown, and crashing. No screaming followed by cackling. No odd situations in all of Ikebukuro.

 

Shizuo felt like all he had left were troubling thoughts and emotions. The brunet’s parting words from 5 weeks ago still repeated themselves in his head as loud as the first time he heard them. _‘…more of a human than I’ll ever be.’_ At first those words made him warm and happy but then the expression on Izaya’s face sank in and the words didn’t feel as sweet anymore. The sad smile, the vulnerability in his voice, the loneliness in his eyes.

 

He couldn’t even react to pull him into an embrace, it was too much for his already congested brain to process. Now he couldn’t help thinking about what Izaya would have done if Shizuo had embraced him. Would he have stabbed Shizuo? Would he have been too shocked to move or push him away? Would he have relaxed into it? Shizuo really didn’t know enough about Izaya to take a guess at what his reaction would have been.

 

That thought confused him even more. How could he be so sure he liked Izaya if he barely knew him? Most things he knew about the brunet were superficial. He felt like he was back to square one. Did he just have the hots for Izaya’s body? Was it just for the rush of finally having the man he hated submitting to him? Was it just the victory of showing the one that called him a monster that he wasn’t a monster?

 

Sure, he missed the brunet and thought about him almost 24 hours a day, but that could just be a twisted version of a crush. He really didn’t know what he felt anymore so he had no idea what to do if he did stumble upon Izaya. Should he just chase after the brunet like they used to? Should he ignore him? Should he talk to him? And if they talk, what would they even talk about?

 

His phone vibrating pulled him away from his thoughts and he gladly welcomed the distraction. Flipping it open, he opened the message and saw it was from Celty.

 

_[Can we meet up?]_

__

He had gotten out of work an hour earlier and had nothing better to do. _[Sure. I’m near the station, where are you?]_

__

The reply was instant. _[Stay there, I’ll be there in a minute.]_

__

He leaned on a railing and took out a cigarette, he had only inhaled twice when Celty arrived. She was going so fast she had trouble stopping and she had barely gotten off Shooter when she took out her PDA and started typing.

 

“Hey, what’s the hurry? Is everything alright?” seeing her like that worried him.

 

_[I’m sorry, I went to Izaya to talk to him.]_ he couldn’t hold in the wince when he read that. _[I asked him what he did and he said he did nothing but that’s not the important part.]_

Shizuo sighed. “I knew you wouldn’t be able to stay put. What’s the important part then?”

 

Her helmet tilted down and she seemed to think of what to type. _[I think you should talk to him.]_

__

“Huh?” confusion was clear in his face.

 

_[You haven’t been yourself for a while and I know that you won’t go back to normal until you fix things with Izaya.]_

__

“Not like there’s a lot to fix.”

 

_[Just trust me on this one. He won’t reach out to you willingly so you should do it. Talk to him.]_

__

“About what? The weather?” he knew he sounded petulant but he couldn’t help it.

 

_[You’ll figure something out once you see him.]_

__

“What is that supposed to mean?”

 

_[You’ll figure it out.]_ she started getting on her bike again.

 

“When did you talk to him?” his gut told him that he should hurry up and talk to Izaya but he brushed it.

 

_[This morning.]_ Shizuo just nodded at her and she waved, speeding away seconds after.

 

Now that he was alone everything came rushing back at once. Okay, so he should talk to Izaya. But how? Try and spot him on the streets? Call him? Visit him? Just thinking of seeing his face now made his stomach clench with anxiety. He groaned. He hated that the brunet made him feel so many things. He walked home with his mind preoccupied on how he should even start a conversation with Izaya.

 

It took him several hours to at least gather up enough courage to decide to call the brunet and then another to actually dial his phone number. It was very late; or very early? But he knew the brunet was more than likely to have a weird sleeping schedule due to his job as an informant so he sat there, listening to the ring with a weird clenching feeling in his stomach. He waited, and he was sent to the voice mail. He inhaled and exhaled in an attempt to keep himself calm and dialed again. This time it went to the voice mail faster, he wouldn’t put it past the brunet to reject his call.

 

He dialed again, and again, and by the 8th attempt he was ready to just break his phone and pay a visit to the brunet to strangle him and then kiss it better. His own thoughts flustered him and he shook his head. He ran a hand through his hair and growled in frustration.

 

Izaya being difficult didn’t surprise him but it still affected him. He stood up and headed for the bathroom. He decided to just sleep off whatever he was feeling and try again with a clear head tomorrow.

 

-

 

Sensing Shizuo’s frustration, or more like after seeing the blond take it out on the clients, Tom decided to let Shizuo take the rest of the afternoon off. The blond apologized but still accepted, he was really only getting off 2 hours earlier than normal but he was grateful anyways because the more he waited the more unbearable it got. He started making his way to the station, intent on taking the train to Shinjuku in case Izaya ignored his calls again. He dialed the brunet’s number while getting on the train.

 

He gave up after the 3rd attempt and settled for calming himself as much as he could and walking the path he had ran so many times when chasing Izaya for the better part of a decade. It was impressive really, that they kept up that twisted game of tag without killing each other or giving up.

 

Shizuo chuckled. Maybe that hate was actually an obsession, that would explain why it was so easy to just add sex into the mix. It would also explain his ‘crush’. He was probably just fascinated by the new development and mistakenly categorized what he was feeling.

 

The thoughts left him feeling a bit bitter and he ignored it, focusing instead on what he would say to Izaya when he saw him. Should he just greet him as if they were friends? Maybe he should muster up some anger and let that do the talking. Would just kissing Izaya as a greeting be too weird?

 

He ran both hands through his bleached hair and pulled. Celty made it sound way too easy. There was no way he could do this smoothly, he was just gonna fuck it up and end up fighting the brunet. Or fucking the brunet. He scratched his scalp. He blamed Izaya for all those indecent thoughts.

 

With his mind being occupied by so many things, he made it to the door of Izaya’s apartment without noticing. Once aware that he was actually just a few feet away from the home of the cause of his turmoil, he straightened his back, closed the distance and knocked on the door. He waited. But no response came. Sure, maybe the brunet was out but his gut told him that wasn’t the case. He knocked again, a bit louder, but he still didn’t get a response. Feeling genuine irritation starting at the pit of his stomach, he pressed his ear to the door, looking for any sounds to prove the presence of Izaya.

 

All he heard was silence. His irritation dissipated fast and was replaced by a feeling of dread that caught him off guard. The brunet being out and about was pretty normal so why was he so worried? He normally trusted his gut without a second thought but this time he was perplexed.

 

He took out his phone and called Izaya again. He hung up after reaching the voice mail once again and almost jumped with the notification that beeped right after. His phone slipped from his hand after reading the message.

 

_[Don’t worry, Shizu-chan. I won’t be showing my face around Ikebukuro for a while. Don’t miss me too much~]_

__

He knocked down the door and couldn’t keep himself from gasping, a cold feeling enveloping him. The place was bare, the only things he could see were boxes stacked up and labeled, a paper was taped onto one of them and he mechanically walked up to it and read it. It had instructions, he noticed Izaya’s handwriting was more elegant than he remembered. At the bottom of the paper was an address. A word stood out to him and he couldn’t even try to understand why it made him feel so lost.

 

Russia.

 

-

 

It was weird, being so high above that he couldn’t see a single precious human beneath him. It had been a while since he had been on a plane and he had forgotten how annoying it could be to only be able to see a limited amount of humans he hadn’t even chosen for several hours. Being so desperate to just get away, run away, he hadn’t been able to buy a a first class seat so he had to settle with being surrounded by his not so lovely average humans.

 

All for the sake of not spending more time than necessary in a place where Shizuo could find him if he so desired. He had almost had a heart attack when Shizuo started calling him an hour before his flight. It was probably the closest to a panic attack he had ever gotten and it just made him feel even more confident that he was making the right decision. He really hated how much Shizuo affected him, how the blond conjured up in him every single kind of emotion he had close to no experience controlling, making feel weak and vulnerable.

 

Ah, he had made it pretty long without thinking about the blond and now his streak was ruined. Not even half an hour after Celty left Izaya composed himself and started thinking of countries where he had acquaintances. He quickly settled for Russia and after a quick call to Denis he had already settled for a nice, secluded city where he could work comfortably for however long he wanted. Sure, most of his russian acquaintances were currently in Japan, but it was better than going to other countries where he wouldn’t be able to communicate as fluently.

 

He bought a ticket for the quickest flight he could catch and then packed all his essentials as fast as he could. Unfortunately the whole time his mind betrayed him, reminding him of all the fun he had with the blond. By the time he was finished with the last box he had started having second thoughts, the idea of being unable to see Shizuo for who knows how long making him sick. But he still called a taxi and grabbed his suitcase, making his way out of his apartment with a confident stride that was only meant to fool himself.

 

With most of his time before the flight being consumed thinking of the blond, he had entirely forgotten to warn his most important clients of his departure. He hadn’t told anything to his sisters either. He barely remembered to call the movers and called his landlord while in the taxi.

 

He exhaled in a way similar to a chuckle, Shiki would probably want to kill him if he ever went back to Japan. He could still work for the Awakusu-kai up to a certain extent but maybe Shiki wouldn’t have it. It was worth a shot to at least contact the man after he was settled in his hotel room.

 

He spent the rest of the flight making a list of the clients he could still work for and thinking of excuses as to why he disappeared without notice. By the time he made it to the hotel he was exhausted and was ready to just sleep after a shower. His phone rang as he was curling up underneath the fluffy duvet on the bed in his luxurious hotel room. With a groan he grabbed it and almost answered without looking at who it was.

 

He froze when he read the name on the screen, his exhaustion instantly heavier but his calm sleepiness gone.

 

It kept ringing and Izaya could not will himself to move. He took in a shuddering breath when it stopped and held it in when it starting ringing again. It stopped and started again, this time Izaya just shoved it under the pillow, as if muffling the sound would help calm his trembling hands. When it stopped and minutes passed in silence Izaya finally took the phone out again and started breathing regularly.

 

He was safe, Shizuo wouldn’t be able to do anything to him but the thought of hearing his voice still made him go cold, his hands going clammy in seconds. He chuckled darkly. He felt pathetic, acting like an anxious mess just because of a phone call. As if to really confirm his present pathetic state, he yelped when the phone in his hand started ringing once more. The device slipped from his hand and he looked at it as if offended for some seconds before grabbing it again. Maybe he could try something to make Shizuo give up even if only temporarily.

 

He typed in a text as soon as the phone stopped ringing, hoping he was ‘himself’ enough to not alert Shizuo of his actual mental and emotional state, and sent it. He felt the tiniest hint of relief course through him when his phone stayed silent but his inner storm had picked up once again. He sat there, in the middle of the bed, immobile, for what felt like an eternity. He hated all of this. His lack of control, his inexperience, his cowardice, his weakness.

 

It was amazing, really. How his whole wall of denial was suddenly rendered useless because of his own failed plan. How so many year of what he thought was ‘control’ proved worthless when he finally confronted that seed that had been planted almost a decade ago and had now grown to something he had hoped would have withered by now.

 

He started laughing, low and dripping with self deprecation. It felt like instead of him breaking his monster, the blond had broken him.

 

-

 

He never thought he could be this bitter. It overpowered him, to the point the people around him were either concerned or scared. His brother had sneaked out of a shooting just to ask him in person if everything was truly okay. Tom had asked him what happened and then just offered his support at Shizuo’s insistence that ‘nothing happened’. Celty had asked him at least twice a day, every single day, if he wanted to talk about it or if he needed anything. Shinra had offered him some therapy as well as some drugs.

 

Mairu and Kururi had offered to catch Izaya and bring him to Shizuo so that the blond could deliver the brunet whatever punishment he felt would help ease whatever was bothering him. At least that one made him laugh, bitter and ironic.

 

He just really couldn’t believe Izaya would go that far. Shizuo almost laid his soul bare to Izaya just to have the brunet run away to a whole other country? It felt like betrayal. The nastiest one he had felt in his entire life. In some corner of his mind he still believed he had some sort of feelings for Izaya but most of him just felt that hate he so proudly voiced in all of their chases.

 

The confusion that had struck him what seemed like forever ago was still present but he couldn’t focus on it. All he could focus on was the molten rage that would fill his whole being at the thought of Izaya merrily running away. While the brunet was away, comfortable and free; Shizuo was in Ikebukuro, upset and caged.

 

Shizuo didn’t even have a proper outlet anymore. No one could run away from him for as long as Izaya could. Very few could avoid his blows or survive them when hit. The few people that could go against him were either pacifists or just not interested. He had even forgotten about his hate for violence, the need of an outlet far more important in his clustered mind.

 

Could he really like someone that made him feel like this? Betrayed, humiliated, alone, upset, confused; so many things he could only pin point and name a few. It was like he had been abandoned in a pitch black room right after getting to know the brightness and warmth of light.

 

_‘In the end you are definitely more of a human than I’ll ever be.’_

__

Those words haunted him now. The warmth and calm they brought at the beginning had now been replaced by bitter cold. Why would Izaya say something like that, with such an open expression on his face, and then just disappear? Had this all been his plan after all? This was all another one of his games?

 

Warmth spread on his hand and it took a few seconds to realize it was his own blood, his fists tight enough for the knuckles to look white, almost translucent.

 

It’s been 7 months. In those long, miserable months the darkness inside him piled up, grew up like a parasite eating away at his sanity. Those feelings of betrayal and hate festering like a gaping, infected wound.

 

At first he was just hurt and shocked. He wasn’t sure how to proceed now that Izaya was out of his reach. He had the address of where his stuff was going to be sent but after a quick search on the internet he found that it lead to a warehouse. Izaya was being cautious, it was a part of him. He was probably going to pick up his stuff at the warehouse and then move it to where he would be staying.

 

Figuring that out left Shizuo feeling quite lost. He knew nothing about Russia. The city where the warehouse was located was huge and, even if he did want to go and search for Izaya, he didn’t have nearly enough money to make the trip.

 

At one point he had asked Simon for some advice, thinking that he could probably save up and attempt the trip, but the man said he didn’t know a lot about that city. His gut told him he was lying but he didn’t say anything. He figured Simon and Denis had probably been the ones to help Izaya and they wouldn’t share the information unless it was absolutely necessary.

 

After that, he settled for waiting. But a week turned into a month and the month turned into months and the bitterness that started after the second week was now almost making him want to be the monster Izaya said he was for so many years.

 

Almost. Izaya’s last words to him being the only thing that kept him human but just barely.

 

-

 

It was calm, he could say that much. Maybe it was because there weren’t nearly as many humans. He had already gotten used to the quiet but it didn’t mean he liked it. The almost peace he felt in his  still unfamiliar apartment was slowly getting on his nerves. He craved the chaos of Ikebukuro. He missed his humans recognizing him wherever he went, fear or curiosity evident on their faces.

 

He had been able to keep working for most of his clients despite the distance, he also gained some new russian clients. But work had become monotonous. With no field work he was just stuck in his place, in front of computers for hours on end.

 

He felt like he had caged himself and in a sense he had. He was safe but he never felt like he was free. Months holed up in his apartment, only going outside for food and other necessities. He barely felt like himself and the homesickness was just getting stronger with each passing day.

 

There was still the issue of Shizuo. He had given up on trying to ‘hate’ Shizuo after the first 2 months. It was like he had been constantly fighting himself in a battle he never had the upperhand in and it was surprisingly relieving when he let it go. He still got nervous sometimes but he no longer panicked. He embraced that he was indeed human in that sense, he was as weak as everyone else to those feelings.

 

Now that he dropped the denial, thinking about the blond mostly gave him a tickling feeling in his stomach. He almost felt like a highschooler with a crush and it still annoyed him but he embraced it anyways; he had been that highschooler with a crush some years ago after all. Sometimes he would giggle at a memory of him pissing Shizuo off or Shizuo’s dumbstruck face the few times he managed to confuse the blond. It was an odd honesty that he had never experienced but he was slowly getting used it.

 

He was smiling to himself, remembering the time he rigged a vending machine so that when Shizuo picked it up, all of the drinks started falling on him; Shizuo’s face had been priceless. With a fond chuckle, he shook his head and went back to the chatroom he had been scrolling through and his phone started ringing.

 

He had a russian phone now but he still kept his japanese one around for clients like Shiki and such. He picked up his japanese phone and answered without looking at the name on the screen.

 

“Orihara speaking.” his facade was back in place but people that knew him well would be able to pick up the leftover of a smile in his tone.

 

“...” Izaya frowned, all he could hear was static and slight breathing.

 

“Hello?” he let his tone drop a bit flat.

 

“...didn’t think you would actually pick up.” the deep rumble was laced with surprise and Izaya’s blood ran cold, his heart fluttering.

 

“Shizu-chan?”

 

“Been quite a while, flea.” he could pick up the anger in the blond’s tone, it was colder and darker than he ever remembered it being.

 

“You’re right, it’s been pretty long. Have you been enjoying your peace? Or have you missed wreaking havoc on your precious city?” Izaya was surprised by how strong he kept his mask, his tone came out taunting and full of mischief, none of his panic seeping through.

 

“Not really. Can barely call your foul play peace.” the calculated rage in Shizuo’s tone made Izaya’s eyes widen. What had happened in the time he was gone?

 

“I just did as you had always wanted and left Ikebukuro alone, stepping out of your life in the process as well.” his voice wavered, every single cell in his body screaming that something was out of place.

 

“Are you really going to pretend like nothing happened?” he could hear the blond clenching his jaw, his tone gradually getting louder. “You are just gonna ignore that we had sex? That before that our relationship was already straying away from the hate we always agreed on?” Izaya started feeling sick. He got an inkling that maybe he had done something worse than he had originally thought.

 

“So what?” he steeled his nerves and wore his mask as best he could. “We got physical for pleasure and that go to you?” he remembered his moment of weakness and scoffed. “Did me admitting that you are not a monster fuck with your head?”

 

He heard a low growl. “Was that just another one of your schemes after all?” a bitter laugh erupted and Izaya could feel a shudder going down his back. “Could have fooled me, y’know? Those reactions were pretty honest and I’m not sure you even noticed the expression you wore that day you ran away from my apartment.” Izaya winced but otherwise acted unaffected.

 

“What can I say? I am a professional after all.” his tone was smug when inside he just wanted to scream his lungs out in shame. Shame at how he had lowered his defenses that day, at how he still craved a repeat of that day.

 

“I see.” it came out as a chuckle with no amusement behind it. “I’m guessing words will never get through you.” Izaya flinched at hearing the same words he had once uttered being thrown back at him. “You’re still the most worthless creature to ever live. I’ll get through your thick skull when you show your face around here again. Take this as a warning.” Shizuo was still in control of his anger and Izaya could feel himself starting to sweat at how unnerving it was.

 

“And what makes you think I’m coming back? Russia is a lot nicer that I had originally thought.” maybe his mask had slipped because the blond was laughing with dark amusement.

 

“You can drop that one. We both know you can’t resist coming back here.” and with no warning the line went dead.

 

Izaya took in a shaky breath and put his phone down on his desk with a shaky hand. This was not the Shizuo he knew. Maybe he had finally created a monster after all. Maybe it was karma that he finally achieved it once it was no longer his goal.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...can you guess what's gonna happen next??? ...probably xD
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated! See you soon~


	3. I Had To Let You In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...if you saw the previous chapter 3 and you hated it, feel free to ignore it. This is a 'good version' of how the story would go so hopefully this will be more to everyone's liking. If you liked the previous chapter 3 cuz you're fucked up like me then don't worry, I will post it as a 'bad ending'; kinda like a visual novel game thingy. I apologize to anyone that had heart attack because of my written venom...I guess i took it out on the wrong fic ^^;
> 
> Anyways, hopefully this will be what some of you have been waiting for.
> 
> WARNING: VERBAL ABUSE, it's not too bad but just in case someone didn't sign up for it...ROUGH-ISH SEX, kind of normal in this fandom but again, just in case...

He had been dreading this day. The moment he got the call from Shiki he had been filled with dread. His monster had been right, he couldn’t stay away from Ikebukuro forever. It was week shy of 3 months after Shizuo called him that Shiki had called, telling him that the Awakusu-kai needed him in a meeting. He knew the undertone of that whole conversation was a dark threat and he had no way to turn them down if he wanted to survive. The Awakusu-kai wasn’t to be underestimated, Izaya being an ocean away wasn’t enough to stop them.

 

Now, 5 days after that call, he was just arriving at his old apartment. Being such a powerful informant helped in many ways and talking his landlord into having his apartment ready for him was a breeze. After all, he could buy the whole building if he so wanted to, he just couldn’t be bothered. The movers would be arriving later that day with all his stuff back from Russia so he was currently sat at his old desk in a bare apartment. He was lazily scrolling through a chat in a futile attempt of calming his shaking hands.

 

Since he arrived to Japan he had been constantly panicking. Shizuo’s cold, calculated anger hunted him whenever he lost focus on his job and had led to him having the worst insomnia he’d had in years. Thankfully he was too exhausted by the time he fell asleep to have any kind of dreams or nightmares but he still slept too little and the proof rested under his eyes. In moments like this one, when he had nothing to do other than wait, panic would settle in stubbornly.

 

His mind was currently spinning around the way Shizuo’s voice sounded like condensed hate, the promise of death more real than ever. He knew the blond could kill him easily, could literally snap his neck with the same ease as breaking a twig. But he wasn’t all that afraid of death, he knew everyone was bound to die someday no matter what they did. What scared him was what Shizuo would do before finishing him off, how much it would hurt to see that face filled with hate that he had created. After finally acknowledging that ,yes, he did love the man with all of him, that same man would now probably end his life.

 

It was a fitting ending he thought. He did torment Shizuo for years, constantly ruining the little joys the blond could find and never letting the peace the blond wanted to last more than a few days. He was a horrible human being, playing around with people’s lives as if they were just his pawns in a fucked up table game he himself had created. He was the real monster so his pitiful end had been a long time coming.

 

And with that mindset, he still couldn’t help panicking. Because he knew he could have had Shizuo. If he had talked to Shizuo when Celty had told him to do so, probably none of this would have happened. If he had gathered up the courage to face his feelings and voice them perhaps things could have been different.

 

After wracking his brain, thinking of what could be the cause of Shizuo’s change he reached a conclusion he was sure was correct. Him cowardly running away broke Shizuo’s heart. His previous actions and reputation led to Shizuo believing it had been one of his many schemes just to ruin the blond’s life. Everything was entirely his fault and he had been drowning in regret for weeks.

 

He closed his laptop and groaned, running his fingers through his hair in exasperation. He truly wasn’t himself anymore, he was too overwhelmed by everything. Just keeping up his usual chirpy character was exhausting and he was glad the only meeting he had was with Shiki and it was at night so he had some hours to compose himself.

 

He stood up and made his way to the kitchen. The meagre amount of grocery shopping he had done was still sitting in his fridge untouched, he still hadn’t cooked anything and the thought of doing so now made him grimace. With no energy to even order some delivery, he settled for the bottle of fine whiskey he had yet to open. He poured himself a glass and took a sip, relaxing at the warm slide down his throat. Maybe the alcohol would help to at least slow his panic inducing thoughts.

 

He spent the better part of an hour sitting on his desk chair and looking out his glass windows. People watching still calmed him, thankfully, and he was able to compose himself somewhat. The movers arrived shortly after and he gave them the instructions, smirking at their swift and efficient work. About an hour later, his apartment looked like he had never left. Everything was in place and the homesickness that was left in him dissipated, leaving him relaxed and calm enough to be able to take a short nap.

 

-

 

The meeting came and went flawlessly. The nap recharged him enough to be especially chirpy and the alcohol in his system helped him forget about Shizuo the whole time. He was currently skipping through one of the sidewalks in Ikebukuro, his mind was solely focused on the job just given to him and he relaxed his guard a little when he noticed he was close to Shinjuku. He regretted it shortly after, when the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end with the prickle of being stared at.

 

Being careful to keep his outward appearance unchanged, he focused on his surroundings. He had no idea why he hadn’t taken the train to Shinjuku and was now cursing himself for maybe having drunk a little bit too much on an empty stomach. He was passing by an alley when he finally spotted his stalker’s position but he was too late.

 

His stalker grabbed the hood of his coat and yanked with enough force to make Izaya choke. Faster than he could register, he was pressed against the wall and both of his wrists were pinned over his head in a painful grip. He blinked his blurry vision away and gasped at the familiar face inches away from his.

 

“I hope you didn’t think I was bluffing.” the deep growl had equal amounts of elation and anger. Izaya’s blood ran cold, panic quickly taking over.

 

“I would never.” he almost winced when his voice wavered. “But I’m barely in Ikebukuro, Shizu-chan.” his voice was strained and he hoped the blond chalked it up to the pain in his wrists.

 

“Still counts, and I could smell you for some blocks. You were probably in some yakuza place, doing that horrible thing you call work.” Shizuo’s voice was dripping with venom and the easy way he saw through Izaya made the brunet freak out and he started squirming against the iron grip on his wrists.

 

“Let me got, dammit.” his voice was a little higher than normal and his breathing got uneven the more he struggled, the pain in his wrists near unbearable.

 

The low chuckle made the brunet freeze, as if the cold of it had physically affected him. “This is new. Are you afraid?” the blond leaned in, their noses almost touching.

 

Izaya turned his head away and clenched his eyes shut. “You fucking beast.”

 

Shizuo’s hand curled around Izaya’s neck, slowly applying more and more pressure. “Yeah, that’s what you wanted. You’ve always called me a monster.” the blond leaned in closer, his mouth right against the brunet’s ear; the warm breath against his neck making him shudder against his will. “I’ll show you what you’ve always wanted then.” Shizuo’s grip tightened, blocking off Izaya’s airway. “I’ll show you what a monster can do.” the low growl sounded far away, Izaya’s lungs were burning from the lack of air.

 

Shizuo maintained his hold until the brunet started to pass out. He let him go shortly after and then draped Izaya’s limp body over his shoulder. Without a second thought, the blond made his way to the brunet’s apartment. It was closer and way nicer than his anyways.

 

-

 

Izaya finally snapped back to reality when he was thrown on a bed. He hadn’t really passed out, more like he was dazed, but he couldn’t even muster a thought. He grabbed at the sheets underneath him and then frowned. They felt exactly like his sheets. He heard a door click closed and twisted his body, pushing his back against the headboard of the bed and looking straight at the door.

 

He was, indeed, in his room and Shizuo had just entered, locking the door behind him. The blond had one of Izaya’s most expensive whiskey bottles in his hand and calmly made his way towards one of the nightstands beside the bed. He grabbed the glass that was already there and poured himself a generous amount of the amber liquid. Izaya cringed when Shizuo drank it all in a single gulp, the richness of the whiskey lost on the blond.

 

“You are quite possibly the worst being in the whole world.” the blond spit out of nowhere, the words bitter and vicious. “You are a selfish asshole with a god-complex. You play with other people’s lives for your own amusement. Because of you being bored people have lost their lives.” the more he spoke, the louder his words got, growled out from deep withing his chest. “You even helped minors commit suicide! You are fucked up to the core. The closest you will ever get to being ‘god’ is being Satan’s fucking spawn.” the grip that had been gradually getting stronger around the cup finally made it shatter.

 

Izaya had not moved an inch from his position. He kept his face blank but inside he felt like he was bleeding. Every words was a painful stab, a misery worse than anything he had ever felt. The words were not new, he had heard several people say shit like that to him all throughout his life. But those words were the sharpest when they came out of Shizuo’s mouth.

 

“You spent all that time calling me a monster when you were the monster all along.” Izaya flinched at those words and Shizuo didn’t miss it, he scoffed. “Doesn’t feel good, right? You fucking deserve it though.” Shizuo neared the bed, standing right against the edge. “You’re such a nasty little thing, so fucking vile.” the blond rand a hand through his hair, pushing it back and away from his face. “I can’t believe I let you play with my feelings as well.”

 

Izaya flinched again and lowered his face. He couldn’t keep looking at Shizuo, it was too much. Everything felt so raw and brittle. He truly was everything the blond said. It took a few seconds for those words to sink in though. And when they did, his eyes widened but he refused to look up.

 

“I fucking fall for you and trust you blindly. And what do you do? You fill me with hope and then crush me. Running away and then slapping on my face that it was what I wanted after all. Well not at that point, asshole. At that point I wanted to just talk to you and get to know you better.” Shizuo grabbed the bottle and drank straight from it. “Can’t even begin to imagine what you would’ve done if I had told you anything.” he scoffed again. “You would’ve probably made me one of those brainwashed followers you keep.”

 

Izaya’s mouth moved before he could stop it. “No! I wouldn’t have.” the words barely made it out of his mouth when a sharp slap snapped his head to the side, his vision going black for some seconds from the force of the attack.

 

“Liar.” the hiss made him flinch and he just froze. Shizuo sounded and acted just like a mindless monster. That wasn’t his goal anymore. Hearing that his conclusion had been correct right out of Shizuo’s mouth made him want to curl in on himself. He now knew he’d had the chance to redeem himself and he fucked it. If he hadn’t been such a stubborn coward, he probably would have been able to have Shizuo. If he hadn’t been so selfish, thinking only about himself when he ran away, he maybe would have realized Shizuo’s feelings and could have acted accordingly.

 

He fucked it all up. Whatever the blond wanted to do to him was his deserved punishment.

 

Being so focused on his misery, Izaya never noticed Shizuo climbing on to the bed and crawling towards him until their noses brushed. He was snapped back to reality when the blond kissed him with bruising force. It was aggressive and filthy, it made Izaya’s chest tighten uncomfortably. Shizuo’s kiss shouldn’t have been like that. Their first kiss should have been slow, maybe timid, but this was nothing like that time almost a year ago.

 

Even through his resigned thoughts, his survival instincts kicked in. His mind screamed danger and he found himself trying to push Shizuo off. The blond did pull back a little but just to laugh with dark amusement. The brunet’s left wrist was grabbed with enough strength to crack the bones and a pained cry came out of him.

 

“You should be excited.” Shizuo twisted the cracked wrist a little and smirked at the yelp it caused. “You’ll get a taste of this monster you created.”

 

 _‘No!’_ he thought desperately. _‘I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry.’_ the words became a mantra in his mind and he didn’t notice when he started mumbling them.

 

“Oh?” came the amused sound and he froze, shame heating his face. “How so? That’s just another one of your lies, isn’t it?”

 

“No, I mean it. I’m sorry.” swallowing his pride came easier than he had thought but he didn’t meet Shizuo’s eyes, keeping his gaze lowered. “I didn’t mean to play with your feelings.” he kept his voice honest, no lilt or chirp. He finally lifted his gaze and looked at the blond. “Did you really feel something?”

 

Shizuo’s anger wavered and his grip on Izaya’s hurt wrist loosened. “Yeah, wasn’t that part of your scheme?” the blond swallowed loudly and the brunet almost relaxed at the relief from seeing Shizuo coming down from his rage high to the anger he was used to seeing on the blond.

 

“Not at all.” he shook his head and looked away again. “I had no idea you had any feelings for me. I thought you just found me attractive.” the grip on his wrist tightened a little and he hissed.

 

“So you still came to my apartment with a scheme planned out.” the rage was back but calmer than before. “You still played me.” the words dripped with resentment.

 

Izaya opened his mouth to say something but a hand harshly slapped over it, making his head thud loudly against the headboard. He desperately clawed at the hand on his face with his good hand and thrashed as much as he could but the blond was like a stone statue, strong and unmovable. Shizuo reached into the fur trimmed jacket and pulled out his knife looking at it with a cruel smirk; and that was all the warning the brunet got before his shirt was cut open, the knife leaving behind a long line of hot pain. Izaya tensed and tried to look down, thankful when he noticed the cut was shallow and barely bled.

 

“I’ll have to admit, always been impressed by the sharpness of your knives.” he had an odd glint in his eyes and Izaya tried to shake his head, his eyes glassy. “Hm? You want to say something?” the deprecating tone actually managed to irritate the brunet and he played the victim with an idea on his mind.

 

He tried to nod, and the blond acted according to his predictions; a hand now held his neck against the headboard while the one on his mouth pulled away. His victim role was immediately discarded and he blinked the moisture away from his eyes. “I could share some of my tips and tricks with you.” he wore a little smirk and the look on Shizuo’s face darkened a little. “Although I’m not sure my efforts would be enough to teach a protozoan like you.” his smirk widened right as the hand on his neck tightened and he kept it in place even through his wheezing.

 

“I should fucking kill you.” the blond bared his teeth and Izaya’s amusement only heightened, he felt as if his previous panic and fear had just been a nightmare, their brief banter familiar enough to make him forget his previous mindset.

 

“I’m down with the fucking. I’ll take a rain-check for the killing.” his smirk finally faded when the grip got even tighter and he cursed himself for being an asshole when he clearly couldn’t afford it.

 

Shizuo growled and kissed him, still rough but this time it was also hungry and Izaya found himself responding. When the grip on his neck loosened he was given a second to breathe and then the mouth was back, pure need and lust contained within it. Izaya almost whined when Shizuo pulled away but hummed happily when the blond nibbled at his ear. The brunet reached for the buttons of Shizuo’s vest and started undoing them when his hands were slapped away. He raised a brow at Shizuo, pretty much forgetting they were supposed to be fighting.

 

“I don’t trust you.” was all the blond sneered before he grabbed Izaya and tossed him a bit lower on the bed. Izaya barely had time to see the blond taking off his bow tie before he was turned on to his front, air leaving his lungs when his hands were bound together with the accessory and inflicted pain on his injured wrist. He was flipped back and had to arch his back to keep his wrist from being crushed under his own weight. He huffed in irritation, being manhandled so easily was just bruising his pride.

 

“A beast and kinky, wouldn’t be able to tell if it’s a blessing or a curse.” he smirked at the growl he got back but then the blond smirked as well and the brunet’s own faltered a little.

 

“You look really good when you present yourself to me like that.” Shizuo’s voice was husky and Izaya’s face flushed with embarrassment.

 

“Fuck you.” he frowned and tried to put as much weight as he could on his wrist without making the pain worse. He looked at Shizuo and his eyes widened when he saw the blond going for the drawers on his nightstand. “What are you doing?” he sat up to follow the blond better.

 

“Your stuff is in here right? Lube?” he looked at Izaya, his smirk still place. “You keep bringing up fucking so I’ll take you up on your offer.” Shizuo wasted no time and opened the drawer.

 

“No! Wait, I’ll look for it!” the brunet freaked out and managed to reach the edge of the bed on his knees but he lost his balance and fell hard on the floor, right next to Shizuo’s feet. “Fuck!”

 

The blond looked just looked at him, surprised and amused. “What’s in here?”

 

“Nothing! Just untie me, you beast. I’ll look for it and I won’t run away.” he cursed when desperation slipped into his voice and his flush darkened when Shizuo chuckled.

 

“Yeah, like I’ll trust you.” he finally looked into the drawer and his eyes widened. “This is a nice surprise.” the brunet groaned and hit his head against the floor, mortified and the blond just laughed. “No wonder you took me in so easily last time.”

 

“Shut up.” Izaya snapped back, he didn’t have to look to know Shizuo was going through his collection of sex toys.

 

“So you get laid pretty often, huh?” the anger was back in the blond’s voice and the brunet looked up to see an almost empty bottle of lube and a box with only two condoms being placed on the nightstand.

 

“That’s none of your business.” he turned around so that he faced the ceiling and tensed when the blond bent down to look at him.

 

“That explains a lot.” Shizuo muttered while undoing the buttons of his vest and taking it off.

 

Izaya watched the blond undo his white shirt in silence, wondering if he was imagining things or if Shizuo really did sound jealous. As Shizuo lowered himself next to the brunet, he squirmed a little, not willing to give in so easily; but when he was kissed, he didn’t resist a lot and when Shizuo licked his bottom lip, he gladly parted his lips. Shizuo kissed him aggressively, lust and anger taking over his actions and the intensity of it was making Izaya light-headed. He barely registered when the blond undid his pants, but when the blond broke the kiss, he whined and saw the other pulling off his pants along with his underwear and socks.

 

Shizuo looked at him hungrily, scanning his whole body with dark eyes and Izaya closed his own and turned his face to the side, it was extremely embarrassing for him to be on display like that. He frowned when he heard the blond chuckle and was about to voice a protest when a warm tongue lapped at his neck and all that left his mouth was a pleased sigh. He pursed his lips as Shizuo nipped and licked at his neck and the blond wasn’t too happy about that. Shizuo bit the juncture of his neck a bit harder and sucked hard with the purpose of leaving a bruise and smirked when he managed to make the brunet gasp.

 

“Why are you shy now?” was whispered against the brunet’s ear and his only response was an involuntary shudder. “Guess I’ll have to get you undone.” he growled lowly and then gave another lick before making his way lower.

 

Izaya squirmed a little when his nipples were gently toyed with, the teasing sensation arousing him more than he’d like to admit. Shizuo made a trail of kisses towards one of Izaya’s nipples and gave the nub a harsh lick while softly pinching the other one, eliciting a shudder and a shaky sigh from the brunet. He tensed when teeth grazed him and a very quiet whimper escaped him. The blond gave a hard suck and pulled away, a smirk forming on his lips at the flushed, panting mess Izaya was slowly becoming.

 

“I don’t see why you’re so ashamed.” Shizuo moved his hand down Izaya’s torso, his fingers tracing the lithe muscle under creamy skin. “You really are too good-looking for your own good.”

 

_I love it even more_

_When I find you on the floor_

_I know you think you hate me_

_But I will always hate you more_

 

Izaya looked at Shizuo and his heart skipped a beat at the honesty on the blond’s face. He couldn’t give it much thought when the hand caressing him wandered lower, avoiding his erection and squeezing at his inner thigh. He closed his eyes and turned his head to the side again but Shizuo wasn’t having it, the blond’s fingers curled on his chin and forced him to face forward. He opened his eyes to glare at the other but closed them just as fast when he was kissed. The hand on his inner thigh came back up again and grabbed his length, giving it a teasing tug. He hummed into the kiss and it turned into a whimper when Shizuo bit his lip hard enough to almost break the skin.

 

“Fuck, you animal.” he spit at the smug looking blond while licking his hurt lip, he could feel the teeth marks on the skin and knew it would bruise for a while.

 

“Getting to it.” was the blond’s only response before he started jerking the brunet at a slow pace.

 

He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from moaning as the blond spread his precum, the slide getting easier and more pleasurable. He shuddered when Shizuo squeezed the head of his cock and opened his eyes when he felt the other shift lower. A hand came to rest on his hip and his eyes widened as he saw Shizuo align his mouth with his leaking erection. He watched as that tongue licked the underside of his length, from the base to the tip, and he had to swallow down a moan when the blond looked up at him as he wrapped his lips around the tip and sucked.

 

Shizuo was thoroughly enjoying himself, torturing the brunet with all the teasing as punishment. He bobbed his head slowly, teasing the underside with his tongue and sucking softly; none of the actions enough to make the brunet cum but enough to make him pant and squirm. Izaya was growing desperate and tried thrusting into the blond’s mouth but the hand on his hip held him in place and he almost whined. He gasped when a hand fondled his balls and a quiet moan made it past his lips when Shizuo sucked him hard at last.

 

He knew he had to be flushed in an intense shade of red, if the warmth on his face was anything to go by, and he hated it. Someone with as much pride as him and an ego as big as his shouldn’t be ashamed of his own reactions but he was. He hated when others could see or hear how affected he was, it made him feel vulnerable, too open. And Shizuo was currently seeing right through him, looking at him while taking in more of his length and hollowing his cheeks; hearing the quiet, pleased little noises he couldn’t keep in any longer and humming in response against the cock in his mouth.

 

“Shit.” he was close, the heat in his lower abdomen almost unbearable and his cock twitching. His eyes flew open when his erection was suddenly exposed to the cold air of the room and he whined. “Why?” he hated how needy his voice sounded but he was more concerned by the ache of being at edge and not being able to topple over it.

 

“’Cause this is your punishment.” the blond announced as if taking about the weather while undoing his pants and pulling them down along with his underwear to free his cock. “I’m gonna have as much fun as I can teasing you. I’m thinking my goal will be to make you beg for release.” the hungry look on his face made the brunet shudder and he felt both dread and anticipation pool at the bottom of his stomach.

 

Izaya silently glared at Shizuo but his irritation went ignored. The blond grabbed him by his shoulders and lifted him, helping him slump against the bed in an angle that allowed the blond to place his leaking tip centimeters away from the brunet’s lips.

 

“I’m sure you remember this. You’re so good at it after all.” Shizuo’s voice was a low rumble but the brunet managed to stay unaffected, still glaring at him. “C’mon, I know you enjoyed it as well.”

 

Izaya finally looked down and had to swallow, his mouth salivating at the memories that assaulted him at the sight. He frowned and looked back up, hoping the blond didn’t notice how his cock twitched. “Untie me and I’ll consider it.”

 

Shizuo looked disappointed for a second but leaned down anyways, quickly undoing the knot on the bow tie. Izaya rubbed at his sore wrists for a second, wincing at his already swollen one and froze when Shizuo grabbed it. He gasped when the blond ran his fingers through the bruised skin, the touch so gentle he barely felt it.

 

“Sorry about that. I was really mad.” the genuinely apologetic tone made Izaya’s chest tighten.

 

_I never knew until I got a taste_

_What a waste_

_For what I had been through_

_'Cause nothing ever really makes that change_

__

“It’s fine. I deserved it.” he couldn’t look at the blond, guilt and regret twisting in his chest when he remembered how they ended up in this situation in the first place. He didn’t mean to hurt the blond. He only focused on his own fear, his irrational fear created by his denial over his own feelings. He never stopped to think that maybe Shizuo liked him, loved him if he was lucky.

 

_I'm so ashamed_

_Of what I did to you_

_I had to let you in to feel that rush_

_You were too much_

_Way too much_

“Hey.” a hand cupped his cheek and he closed his eyes. “You may have been an asshole but I still went a bit too far.” he felt a soft peck on his lips and opened his eyes, a bit stunned. “We can talk about that later. Don’t ruin the mood.” this time he was kissed properly, deep and hungry.

 

They pulled away for air, panting against each other’s faces and Izaya nodded at Shizuo. The blond smiled and pecked him on the lips again, standing up and helping the brunet up as well. They went back to kissing and Izaya turned them around so that Shizuo was against the bed and pushed at his chest, forcing him to sit on the edge of the bed.

 

“I’ll suck you off.” he whispered against the blond’s ear before kneeling in between his legs and wrapping a hand around his cock.

 

Shizuo let out a pleased a sigh and smirked. “I knew you liked sucking cock.”

 

“I hate you.” he spit back while his face flushed anew.

 

“Sure.” the word laced with amusement.

 

His mouth watered again at the sight, Shizuo’s cock was rock hard and had a bead of precum right at the tip. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the fact that this was the first time he did this in a well lit place and Shizuo would be able to see everything, and licked the tip. The taste of Shizuo spread on his tongue and he felt his erection twitch, he missed this more than he thought. Not having the patience the blond had to even try to tease him, he licked his lips and took in more than half of the blond in one go, sucking and humming when Shizuo groaned at the sudden onslaught of pleasure.

 

His face twisted in pleasure as if he was the one getting the blowjob. He truly loved the feel of Shizuo in his mouth, the weight and taste of him was intoxicating and every noise he elicited from the blond went up his spine and down his cock. He sucked him in greedily, as if he was enjoying the best delicacy in the world, and set a steady pace. He relaxed his throat easily and it only took him a few more seconds before he was able to take the whole cock in his mouth, swallowing around it as if he was starved. He barely noticed when a hand buried itself in his hair but he did hear when the blond moaned and he moaned back around the length in his throat.

 

He kept bobbing his head, his pace faster than the one the hand in his hair tried to set; the haze he loved clouded his mind and he lost himself to the task at hand. He didn’t noticed when he wrapped his hand around his own dick and started jerking himself almost in time with the bobbing of his head. He heard Shizuo curse but it sounded far away and muted; he hummed and swallowed in response even when the hand on his hair tightened a bit painfully. He was suddenly pulled away and whined before he could even think of what was happening. He opened his eyes and had to blink a few times, moisture and haze blurring his view and frowned in confusion, not understanding why Shizuo stopped him if he hadn’t climaxed and still had lust darkening his eyes.

 

“Fuck, Izaya. You’re a fucking gem.” when he just kept looking at the blond with a questioning gaze Shizuo chuckled and placed a hand on his cheek, wiping away the track left by tears that had gone unnoticed as well. “Did you really not notice?”

 

“What?” he growled past his frantic panting. He was growing irritated by feeling out of the loop and tried to glare but he was too relaxed to add any heat to it.

 

“Look down.”

 

The smirk on Shizuo’s face made him feel weird but he still obeyed, and his eyes widened at the sight. His cum was at the foot of the bed and that was embarrassing on its own but he was still painfully hard and that was mortifying. It was as if this was his first time all over again and he felt so mortified he could cry. Instead, he just closed his eyes, refusing to look up at the cause of his helpless state. But he didn’t fight when Shizuo grabbed him and pulled him on to his lap as if he weighed the same as a feather. And he responded with want when Shizuo kissed him deeply.

 

“Don’t worry.” the blond kissed the spot below his ear and he shuddered. “We’re nowhere near finished yet.”

 

Shizuo moved him towards the middle of the bed and then reached for the lube and condoms. He looked at the blond coating his fingers generously with lube and felt anticipation building up again. He tried forcing his previous embarrassment away but still found himself flushing when Shizuo grabbed a pillow and put it under his hips and then looked at his entrance, exposed by the new angle and his spread legs. He gasped when a slick finger rubbed at his entrance and willed his body to relax. Shizuo leaned in to kiss him while slowly pushing his finger inside and groaned when the brunet bit his lip playfully.

 

He quickly got used to the feeling and moved his hips against the finger, wanting more. He moaned when the finger pulled out but came back as two. The stretch burned pleasantly and he didn’t take long to start thrusting back into the fingers. With Shizuo sucking and nibbling on his neck and the fingers inside him rubbing against his prostate he finally moaned shamelessly. The blond kept thrusting his fingers faster and harder, wanting to get more of those sounds and Izaya obliged, moaning and whimpering every time his prostate was teased and his neck was bit. He whined when the fingers pulled out and whimpered when they came back as three instead, the stretch actually uncomfortable enough to make him fist his hands on the sheets for a second.

 

Shizuo thrusted slowly this time, spreading his fingers and making sure Izaya wasn’t in any pain before he went straight for his prostate again and the brunet cursed and moaned, feeling himself nearing orgasm and momentarily forgetting the blond had yet to cum. He grabbed Shizuo’s wrist when he felt a pull on his lower abdomen and stilled his hand.

 

“Stop.” he panted and elaborated when he saw a flash of worry on the blond’s eyes. “I’m close.”

 

Shizuo nodded and thrusted his finger a few more times, entirely focusing on making sure the brunet was properly stretched and avoiding his prostate. When he started squirming, the fingers pulled out of him and the blond kissed him again, slow and deep. They pulled away for breath and Shizuo took the moment to rip open a packet, put on the condom and then lathered himself with a generous amount of lube. Izaya took in a deep breath to help himself relax but yelped when the base of his dick was grabbed in a strong grip that was borderline painful. He opened his mouth to protest but the blond cut him off.

 

“Don’t want you to finish too early.” Shizuo’s tone was husky and Izaya could see his control starting to waver so he didn’t complain; he didn’t want to finish too early either.

 

“I have a cock ring.” he offered with a small smirk.

 

“Interesting.” the blond said back but he didn’t move away. He leaned closer instead, aligning himself with Izaya’s entrance. “But I can’t be bothered with it now. Maybe next time.” he smirked when the brunet huffed.

 

“Such an animal.” his smile betrayed the bite that was supposed to accompany his tone.

 

“You love it though.”

 

Any kind of protest the brunet thought of became a whimpered curse as Shizuo slowly pushed inside him, the stretch slightly uncomfortable. The blond kissed all over his neck and chest to help him relax and they both sighed once Shizuo was all the way in. Izaya felt full to the brim again for the first time since that time in the blond’s apartment, full in a way only Shizuo had managed to make him feel. It was as if his body had been starved and only Shizuo could sate it.

 

Shizuo couldn’t wait any longer and gave an experimental thrust, setting a pace when the brunet moaned and ground his hips back. The push and drag of every thrust had him panting and mewling and he moaned loudly when the head of Shizuo’s cock brushed his prostrate. The harsher the pace got the more he became undone, moaning the blond’s name shamelessly with little curses escaping whenever the pace slowed for Shizuo to grind against his prostate hard. He reached for blond hair and pulled the other down into a kiss, open mouthed and messy but he didn’t care; he felt like he was going insane with the intensity for the pleasure and the need to cum. He tried to push away the hand at his cock and whined when his tries failed miserably.

 

“Let me cum.” he pleaded between pants, voice needy and high.

 

“Not yet.” the blond gave a particularly hard thrust right against his sensitive spot and smirked when Izaya moaned his name and tightened around him. “I’m sure you can take it.” he ground his hips slow but hard against the brunet and loved when his eyes almost rolled back and his body trembled.

 

“No--please.” he begged, barely understandable between the panting and moans, while he still clawed at the hand around his cock and writhed with pleasure.

 

“What’s this?” another sharp thrust. “Are you begging?”

 

“Fuck! Yes, I’m begging you.” he moaned at another thrust. “I feel like I’m going insane.” he keened when Shizuo ground very slowly against his abused prostate. “Please, I need to cum.”

 

Shizuo kept grinding into him as he leaned down and nuzzled the spot under his ear. “Since you asked so nicely.” he whispered huskily against his ear and finally let go of the brunet’s cock.

 

Izaya’s eyes rolled back when Shizuo started thrusting into him hard and fast, never missing his prostate. He writhed and moaned loudly, already on the edge. He choked on a moan as he finally came; his whole body tensing and trembling, cum weakly spurting out of his twitching cock as he tightened and pulsed around Shizuo. The blond kept his pace through the brunet’s orgasm, moaning at how good it felt around him and his thrusting turned erratic shortly after. Shizuo came as Izaya started whimpering and twitching from overstimulation and he rode it out with a few shaky thrusts, falling limp on top of the brunet right after.

 

They comfortably lied there recovering their breaths until Izaya’s head cleared enough for him to notice Shizuo was pretty much crushing him.

 

“You’re heavy.” he mumbled exhausted and pushed at the blond’s sweaty chest.

 

“Oh, my bad.” Shizuo rested his weight on shaky arms and lifted himself a little. Izaya gasped when the blond pulled out of him, the empty feeling making him feel a little odd.

 

Shizuo took off the condom and disappeared into the bathroom, coming back shortly after with a wet towel. Izaya looked at him with a raised eyebrow and the blond shrugged.

 

“Thought you might be tired and I don’t think lying there all sticky is comfortable.” he started wiping down the brunet’s torso, surprised when he wasn’t pushed away.

 

The brunet let out a satisfied sigh and mumbled. “That’s very thoughtful of you.”

 

Shizuo finished wiping him down as thoroughly as he could and took the towel back into the bathroom. He came back in only his underwear and offered Izaya his previously discarded ones. The blond couldn’t help the smile that pulled at his lips when the brunet made a disgusted face but put them on anyways, shrugging off his coat and his ruined shirt and letting them fall on the floor beside the bed. Izaya got under the covers and Shizuo did the same, hesitantly wrapping his arms around the brunet and pulling him towards his chest when he met no resistance.

 

“Are you okay?” the blond spoke softly against dark hair.

 

“For now. I will be sore later.” his voice was sleepy and quiet.

 

“What about your wrist?”

 

“We can call Shinra after a nap.”

 

Shizuo stayed silent for some seconds, unsure if he would upset the brunet with his next words. “We need to talk.”

 

Izaya tensed and hid his face in Shizuo’s chest. “I know. Not now.”

 

The blond brought a hand up to the brunet’s hair and rand his fingers through the soft strands. “Okay, but don’t runaway this time.”

 

“I won’t.” and Izaya relaxed again, sighing at the nice feeling of Shizuo’s fingers in his hair.

 

They didn’t take long to drift off, the rhythm of each other’s breathing lulling them to sleep.

 

_I'll take whatever I can take_

_Whenever I can take it_

_If it ever comes_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you didn't read the bad ending and are curious for some reason, it will be posted today as a work for this series and it will be called exactly that 'Bad Ending'. The idea was given to me by a friend that was ready to slit my throat for being so mean to these two flops xD
> 
> Any feedback is welcomed!  
> Hope you enjoyed, thanks for reading and I'll see you soon~

**Author's Note:**

> How was it? Feedback is appreciated~
> 
> Thanks for reading and stay tuned~


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